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Continued from PG 2“Well, my dad will be home soon so maybe you can ask your boyfriend to take me home. Remember I walked here.” I said sarcastically. She gave me a suspicious look. I don’t understand what is with her attitude, weird. I am not going to come on to her boyfriend I swear. Gross! Just because I had sex doesn’t mean I‘m that desperate to have sex with just anyone. What a bitch! “I’ll ask him just wait here.” She went downstairs. I heard her saying something to him but I don’t know what she was saying. I suspected that she was telling her boyfriend about what I confided in her privately. I swear I can almost read her mind. Her thoughts were so transparent at the moment! Wow, I never thought she could be so jealous. She really was afraid I was going to steal her boyfriend. I waited for a bit and headed downstairs. “Monica she is a slut. You should not hang out with her anymore. Forget about her. She’s a lost cause. We will drop her off at her house soon.” He huffed irritably and I noticed that he shook his head in disgust. My jaw dropped. Monica noticed that I was standing at the foot of the stairs and realized that I heard what he said but it didn‘t seem to phase her one bit. What a Bitch! He referred to me as a slut? Why didn’t she defend me? She actually agrees with him I can see it in her eyes! What bitch! Boy I tell you that takes the cake! Monica and I are no longer friends. I thought we were friends. I thought we knew each other well. My trust in her has been tarnished. I cannot believe that she would tell him. I cannot believe that she would think the same thing he was thinking about me! What a stupid cow! After they dropped me off at home, the garage door was open. My dad was home. A few minutes later, my brother and one of his friends came home. I was in the kitchen eating a yogurt when they walked in. “Is mom home yet?” my brother asked me as he and his friend walked in. I shook my head. They both went upstairs to his room. I was still in shock about how Monica acted toward me. What a total bitch. I had a terrible day. (Note from author: Monica and I were no longer friends from that day on. Unfortunately she lives in Sun City too. I never knew she had moved to Sun City back in 1988 or 89. In 1987 I saw her working at a bank in Santa Ana. I had gone with a friend who had an account there. Monica got a job as a teller or something like that. A year later she sent me a wedding notice-- not an invitation. She wanted to let me know that she was getting married. Like if I really cared. Later in the late 90‘s I had a dream about her. I dreamed that I saw her and she ignored me, ran from me. A few years later I bumped into her at the Stater Bros. on Newport St. Yes, she totally ignored me. Therefore, the animosity still stands to this day) April 8th 1986 I decided to drop both of my classes. I am working now and I don’t have time to go. Truthfully, I’m bored in the classes that I chose. I should have chosen creative writing. I have always wanted to learn how to write. However, I’m not really majoring in anything so it really doesn’t matter. In a way, I’m not sure what I want to do with my life yet. Seriously, my job has occupied my thoughts lately so I cannot think clearly about school. I am having problems at work. The supervisor is being a bitch toward me. I guess the woman who told me about the job in the first place was right about the supervisor. However, I’m not the only woman being harassed by Pai the supervisor. There is an Indian woman who is getting dogged by her as well. I have a feeling I will be getting fired soon. I see it coming. I don’t like being harassed and once or twice, I’ve brought it to the supervisor’s attention. “You know I think you should treat your employees better.” I said to her when I was in her office. She pulled me into her office because I had messed up in the calculations of the numbers I had to add up. How do I describe my job, well what I do is I take receipts and calculate the numbers in one of those large calculators with the roll of paper attached to the back. If the numbers add up then they are okay but if they don’t the worker is suppose to figure them out. I’m not very good with numbers so of course I make mistakes. As for being friendly toward the other employees since I arrived they are not all together nice. It kind of figures because I consider this kind of job an office job. MY mom was happy that I got a job like this but I wasn’t. People are back stabbers and I just don’t click with any of them. Personally, I think they are jealous. As for the Indian woman, she is a smart woman I don’t understand why Pai doesn’t like her. It goes to show you how jealousy plays a part in the work place. I found that out last year at Cherry Textron. Oh well, whatever. I told Dan that I dropped the classes and that he won’t be seeing me at school anymore. He sounded a little disappointed but because I told him over the phone I really can’t tell if he really was disappointed that he won't be seeing me there. April 15th 1986After I got out of the shower, Dan called me. “Hi babe how are you doing?” I told him I was fine. He didn’t call me last week and I feel depressed because I lost my job. Yes it’s true Pai fired me! I didn’t tell him about what happened. I that it is my cross to bare. Besides, I know why he was calling. He wants to have sex. That‘s the only time he calls. “Last week I didn’t call you because I had to go to court and with work and all I’ve been burned out lately. I was wondering if you can come over today babe.” A part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off. He ignores me and then when he is in the mood he calls. “Please babe I need you. Don’t you want to be with me?” God if I didn’t love him so much, I would hang up. He has me on a roller coaster. My emotions are tattered. My appetite has taken the biggest blow. I have lost weight, I hardly eat. “Good. I miss you. I can’t wait to see you.” When I got to his apartment, the door was slightly ajar. “Hello?” I called out. “Come in.” He said. He was standing by the sink drying a few of his dishes. He was wearing a towel around his waist. “Lock the door behind you babe.” He said with a slight hint of indifference in his voice. He set the towel down on the counter and stared at me. “You look good. This time around, don’t waste my time okay. Take off your clothes.” I was taken back by what he said because I didn’t think I was wasting his time in the past! I was offended. “Um, I lost my job the other day. It really brought me down. Can you just hold me for a moment?” He set the towel down on the counter and walked toward me. He held me but I sensed that he really wasn’t into it. He started unbuttoning my beige safari mini dress.
( This isn't the actual dress but it does look a little like it. I wore a white belt similar to the one on the right.) I glanced at the door because I was seriously thinking about leaving. I don't like being treated like shit! Nothing could stop me after all. I drove here myself. A part of me doesn’t want to be with someone who is cold and indifferent. Yet I love him and I get depressed when I’m not with him. We don‘t really talk and when I ask him about himself he changes the subject! Lola said that I should find someone else. She said he isn’t good for me and that, he’s too old. Perhaps she’s right. “Can I just talk for a little bit?” I said. He shook his head and started kissing me. I gave in to him and took off my clothes. I know I was being foolish and not to mention careless because he never used protection. I love him. I don't want to leave. We had sex on the table again. I still felt some pain but there was something different this time. I felt more pleasure. I had an orgasm. I think he knew that because it turned him on. “Baby do you want me? Do you like how it feels?” He whispered in my ear. I kissed him passionately. Afterwards we had sex on his bed and I think that this time both of us shared the intense moment! It was beautiful "I love you.” I said. “Don’t talk. Don’t say anything.” We laid in bed for a while. He blurted out a question that I was dreading. “Are you going to miss me?” When I realized what he meant by that question my heart sank. He was thinking of dumping me! This moment together was our last. I could barely breathe. “What did you say? What do you mean by that?” he smiled at me but the smile was a ‘goodbye’ smile. I felt dizzy I wanted to cry. I was in shock. He crushed my heart. I looked at the clock it was 3pm. He got off the bed and started getting dressed. I didn’t push for an answer because he gave me the answer. I couldn’t say anything. I literally was speechless. After I got dressed we stood by the door. He embraced me. “Will I ever see you again?” I asked with a quiver in my voice. I didn't want to let go of him. I wanted this moment to last forever. I was trying to hide my feelings. I didn't want him to see how crushed I was by his words and his actions. I gave him a weary smile. He gave me a long passionate kiss and patted my behind. “I don’t know. Just remember there are other men out there. Don’t be thinking about me in 10 or 20 years from now, okay. I think you are beautiful. One day I‘ll call.” he said. “But I--He closed the door behind me. I never finished my sentence. I was truly insulted --big time! So, this is what it feels like to be used. What happened? I bet he met someone else or perhaps since I wasn’t attending the classes anymore he slowly started forgetting about me. I will never know why but I do know one thing I will never forget this experience--ever. I drove to Huntington Beach listening to the radio. On the radio Mr. Mister’s ‘Kyrie’ was playing. When I parked the car I took a walk along the beach. Early sunbathers were sunning themselves. I found a secluded area where I could think and be by myself. (Note from author: During the time Dan and I were together he never used protection. I could have easily became pregnant but I never did. Lucky me! However, looking back at that time I was very immature. I made a promise to myself and I stuck to it until 1989 when I met my future husband. Six months later after Dan and I broke up, I found a new job. Apple One job agency sent me to various warehouses & factories as a temp. During that summer, I hung out with Lola. But most of the time I went to the beach by myself. I discovered a place called Pelican Cove and I use to go there. I thought about why Dan never called me back. I felt that I may have been too timid and not experienced enough in sex and that is why he dumped me. So I finally started dating again. Later in November of that year my mom told me that the man I use to date (Dan) had called once during summer but that she told him I wasn‘t there. Of course, I probably was out with Lola at the time. In November I started dating a man named Abel. I never got over Dan but I knew I had to move on. Abel and I clicked sexually. He was a very passionate lover. However, once I started working for the post office (Santa Ana GMF ) in late November, I worked the graveyard shift and I was always too tired to go out. So eventually we drifted apart.) The entries I have posted up on this website will remain up until next year then I will post new ones. Enjoy. Videos: Alphaville: 'Forever Young' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7CuJ8cR9sg'Kyrie'- MR. Mister http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=belrNpqqA2g
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Anyways, lately I feel as though he doesn’t notice me in class anymore. He talks to other women and he doesn’t ask me to go on break with him as much as he use to. Lucky I have Lola to hang out with when he’s not available. I’d rather be with him all the time though. I did call him once and when he picked up the phone I heard a woman’s voice in the background. I know I am a fool, an idiot to continue to see him but I love him so much.