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Feb 1986Only a selected few journal entries will be posted on this website. I will not post entries from the 90’s or 2000’s. However, I will write those entries in my memoir. I would like to add; That The kind of person I was then --is not who I am now. People change and I have. My writing has changed as well. In a few of the entries that were written I did not provide enough description because that's the way I wrote the entry in my journal back then. However, I do plan to add as much description as possible in my memoir. Starting on this page I have posted a few entries from 1986, a year of growing and learning for me emotionally. Only on this site have I posted a few music videos from that time. One of the videos is not from the 80's but the rest are. Enjoy.
(The next few entries below are all about the man I fell in love with in 1986 his name was Dan Naples a Long Beach police officer. He was the first man I opened my heart to, the first man I had sex with. My decision to finally give in and follow my heart had a lot to do with finding my soul mate. Deep down inside I felt that he was the right one or so I thought. I was always in search of my soul mate back then and that was one of the reasons why I chose to wait to have sex. I wanted to find the right person. At the time, I wasn’t concerned about how the relationship would end. Where did I meet him? I met him at Rancho Santiago College in Santa Ana where I was attending some class. He was attending night classes there as well. I was 21yrs.) February 27th 1986Dan came by my math class today. I didn’t want to take the math class but my friend Lola is in that class and I decided to take it. During break time, Dan and I went to the cafeteria to get some coffee. My heart races every time he’s near me! I get butterflies too. I feel protected and loved just standing close to him. I never felt that way around Amado. It was kind of scary being around him. I suppose that's why I couldn't bring myself to going all the way with Amado. While we were standing in line to pay for the coffee, the radio in the cafeteria was playing Barry Manillow’s ‘Could it Be Magic‘. It's an old song but it means something to me. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1445336/could_it_be_magic_barry_manilow/It was like magic just standing near Dan. I could not believe that such a handsome man would be interested in me at all! He doesn’t know that I am a virgin. Perhaps if we ever get 'together' maybe then I will tell him. I wonder if he will act like Amado did. I hope not. While we walked slowly back to the classroom I asked him how old he is. “I’m thirty years old.” He's older then what I thought. He looks 23. He really doesn’t look thirty. “Where do you work?” “I am a cop in Long Beach but I am thinking of getting a transfer to San Diego later in the year. I kind of like it there. Maybe I can get the transfer as soon as summer.” “Oh.” Is all I said. I didn’t want him to leave. I finally found a man that desires me, wants me and he is thinking of leaving. Well, I never can hold on to a good thing can I. This man holds my heart. He is the kind of man I can have a relationship with. We walked back to class and Lola stared at us with a smile on her face. I sat next to her. “I’ll give you a ride home if that’s okay?” I nodded. He left to go back to his class and Lola started asking me questions. “Hey did he kiss you? Are you going to go to his place?” I smiled and told her that he was just going to give me a ride home after class. "God Celia that's so cool." After he drove me home, we sat in his car parked outside in front of my house. “So do you think you can come to my house to study?” “Yeah sure I can." “Good then I’ll see you on Saturday.” "You may have to pick me up because my brother needs to use the car that today.” he nodded. I lied to him because I don’t want him to know that I still don’t know how to drive. Well I kind of know how to drive but I’m afraid to. I’m afraid I will die in an accident or something like that. He leaned toward me and kissed me. He French kissed me it was so romantic and passionate. I love the way he makes me feel, perfect, beautiful, like a Goddess. After he left I went inside my house. March 1 1986(the entry below was one of the most memorable events in my life. It was a beautiful experience. An experience I will treasure forever) March 1st 1986 I got ready for my date around five in the evening. I checked myself out in the mirror and found that everything was in place. I looked great! I was smoking hot! I was proud of myself because I know I will make an impression on him tonight. I hope. I want him to fall in love with me, remember me after it is all over. I hope that he will want to see me again and again. Maybe it’s too much for me to hope for but a girl can dream can’t she? When I went downstairs, my mom saw me dressed up. “Where are you going?” “I promised to study at Lola’s house tonight.” “Is she going to pick you up?” “Um, yeah sure.” Lola doesn't drive yet. She's learning though. My mom doesn't know that.“Oh, well you better be home before I get back from picking up your brother at Knott‘s Berry Farm.” I pursed my lips. I cannot believe that she treats me like a teenager. I am not! Lucky for me that she doesn’t know that when I purse my lips it means that I am lying. My mom has always been a bit controlling. She has to realize that I am an adult now. I don’t want her picking the kind of men I should go out with by her standards. I don’t know how tonight will turn out. If I get back by one in the morning and she is not here yet I will be in the clear. She will never suspect anything. “Yeah, yeah I’ll be back by that time.” Dan picked me up around six thirty. My parents had gone to drop off my brother and his friends at Knott’s Berry Farm so they didn’t get a chnace to meet Dan. There is a nightclub that stays open until two in the morning in Knott’s Berry Farm. I went once with Monica a few years back. I’ll tell you one thing, my parents don’t like hanging out in the parking lot until my brother feels like he has had enough of the nightlife. My parents will come back after dropping my brother. Then they will go back later and pick him up. They will leave to pick him up probably around ten o’clock pm. They have to park the RV in the parking lot and wait for my brother and his friends. My parents go out of their way for my brother. I don’t really remember them going out of their way for me. Of course, I do not care. I am not competitive. If the attention is not worth it then I will won't bother. March 1 1986: part 2We studied for an hour then I stood up and stretched a bit. I looked around, noticed a desk, and saw his name on a nameplate. He had a picture of himself in a police uniform. His uniform was royal blue. “ I thought that most cop uniforms are black. You’re uniform is blue." “Well you're referring to the Santa Ana police department. They have the black uniforms.” He put his arms around me and started passionately french kissing me. My heart pounded madly. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I was very nervous. Negative thought crept into my head. “Will he find me attractive, sexy?” I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of ridicule. “What’s wrong?” he asked me. I guess it was apparent that I am a virgin and he could sense that I felt a bit uneasy. “Um, I'm still a virgin. I feel uneasy about getting into-- "Really? I can’t believe you are still a virgin.” he held me tighter. "It's okay babe just relax." “Are you sure you’re twenty-one?” He asked. I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him I was twenty-one the other day. I have always looked younger then my age. “You look younger.” He said as he held me tight and kissed me. My legs felt weak. “You’re an adult and I want to make love to you. I think you‘re ready, don‘t you?” I smiled. He is right. I am tired of being afraid and in his arms, I feel comfortable and desired. Will Dan settle my fears and insecurities? He certainly wasn’t like Amado. Dan is more cultured and refine. I hope he is what he seems to be and not a jackass who will break my heart. My fear disappeared and we kissed again. To my surprise, he picked me up and carried me to his bed. I sat on his bed and slipped my shoes off. He took off his shirt. God he is very athletic looking. His body is so fine. He lit a few candles and turned off the lights. “Please take off your shirt,” he asked. At first, I hesitated. I didn’t want him to think I was a tease so I undid my belt around my waist and took off my oversize shirt. He helped me by taking off my tank top and my bra. “It’s okay just relax babe.” He sensed that I was nervous and he didn’t want me to lose interest so he started kissing me and cupping and fondling my breast in his strong hands. I got more comfortable on his bed and I laid back. As he kissed me, he inched his way on top of me until I could feel his strong heart beating madly against my chest. He kissed my nipples and my neck. His hands held my wrist down on the bed. I guess he thought that I was going to jump up and leave if I had a change of heart. Then a thought came into my head; What if he is gentle at first then becomes aggressive? I know I was being silly so I pushed the thought out of my head. The bed was a water bed. I have never been on a queen size waterbed before. He lips made their way down to my belly. He started caressing me. He pulled my pants down and my panties slipped off. I was wearing my harem/genie knit pants. They are easy to remove. They're comfortable and loose. I was completely naked on his bed. He stood up, turned the radio on, and took off the rest of his clothes. He is very large. I am talking about his private parts. I have never seen a penis before but his is beautiful. He got on the bed and continued his seduction. He kissed me, caressed my body. I melted in his embrace. His mouth kissed the most sensitive areas of my body. He performed oral sex on me. I have never experienced anything like it! I seen a flick on cable TV two years ago when my parents were out and my brother wasn’t around. The man and woman on the x-rated movie were having oral sex. I thought it was very sexy and hot. I always wondered what it was like and now I know. It is incredible! It was everything I imagined it would be, even more so. I must have had an orgasm although I do not know what an orgasm was until now. All I could hear was the music, and the passionate moans coming from both of us. “Baby you taste so good,” he whispered. "You are beautiful. Did you cum?" "I think so." I said. He rested his body on me. I could feel his heart pound madly against my chest. I was overwhelmed with ecstacy and passion that I didn't notice that he was ready to penetrate me. We continued kissing. Suddenly without warning, he forced my legs open with his legs. I let out a scream as he entered me. The pain was like nothing I ever felt before! He pushed hard into me. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to die! I held him tightly as he pushed in harder. “Shh, baby. Its okay don’t scream damn it.” I couldn‘t help it. It was very painful. The experience was overwhelming. “Those stupid women lied to me. It does hurt.” I thought to myself. I was referring to the two sluts that worked at Cherry Textron who had told me that having sex felt good and that I should try it. After it was over he held me in his strong arms. “Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?” “I'm okay. I was a virgin; remember I told you I never experienced anything like that before. I've never had sex before.” “I hope I didn’t disappoint you. It was good, wasn’t it?” Why would he ask me that? It was incredible! “It was wonderful. Sex is new to me.” He kissed me and cradled me in his arms. We laid there for an hour. Enjoying each other’s company. “I like you a lot babe.” “Ditto.” I replied. “Stay with me tonight. Spend the night here.” I was taken back by his question. Stay the night? Oh my God! I can't do that. I don’t have an excuse at all! I told my mom I was going to study with Lola not spend the night. If I had told her I was going to spend the night then I would stay . I wouldn't have to worry about her getting suspicious. Damn I should have told her I was going to spend the night at Lola's. Damn it! What will he think when I tell him I can‘t. Anyways if I did spend the night and I return home the next morning my parents would know that I was with a man and they would drill me until I told them the truth. I don’t think that they can handle the truth. In addition, my mom threatened to kick me out of the house if I ever spent the night with a man. I know it is silly but that is the way she is. Of course, at the time when she said that I was not involved with anyone. I was working at Cherry Textron. Around that time, ridiculous rumors were started by mean spirited people. My dad heard about those rumors and thus told my mom. I remember the conversation well, “If you ever go out and have sex like your tramp cousins have you might as well not come home at all!” What bothers me about that is my brother was having sex since he was 14. He also spends nights at his ‘friends’ house. Whenever my mom asked him if he had sex, he would tell her no. She would take his word for it all the time. They believe that boys should have more freedom then girls. That is what they always said. “I’m sorry but I can’t. I have to go home. I'm sorry.” I reluctantly said. He sighed. He truly was disappointed and I sensed it. We were so close at that moment that I felt his emotions. Around 12:30am, he took me home. I noticed the time in the livingroom and it was one in the morning. “Oh shit they will be here soon.” I said to myself. I quickly took a shower and went in my room. I laid in bed thinking about Dan. I think I’m falling in love. I have never felt this way--ever. It was around 2:30am when my parents got home with my brother. LOVE CAN BE CLOUDED AND BLIND..
(Note from author:Everything that is written on my memoir website is based on fact. All names used in my memoir have not been changed!)
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bravenet.com
However, I always saw the favoritism. I knew who my parent’s favorite was. Dan and I arrived at his apartment complex. He parked the car in a parking port and we walked up the stairs to his apartment. The apartment complex is the, Regency Plaza and it is located on Ball Rd. in Anaheim.